By Luann Albanese
When I first started discovering who God was, as a child, I was terrified because I was taught that I had to behave a certain way or do certain things in order for God to love me and allow me into heaven with Him when my time came. Whenever I would not go to bed when I should, did not finish my homework, did not eat my vegetables, or did not do whatever it was my parents were asking me to do – no matter what it was – I was told that God would punish me and I would be sent to live in hell with Satan and all the bad people. So, growing up, I felt that I could never make any mistakes, I always had to be perfect, and I had to always do “good” things, otherwise, God would not love me and when I died God would never let me live with Him in heaven.
When I was a youth, something happened to me that was very bad. It was not my fault, but I thought it was. I blamed myself so much that I began to hate myself and thought that God must hate me too. This experience made me feel separated from God’s love. I used to believe that there were some things that were just so unforgivable and too awful for even God to forgive. I would hide from my friends and frequently do things to physically hurt myself, like binging and purging. Doing this kind of thing is not always about being thin as most people might think. For me, it was strictly about punishing myself because I thought I was a bad person.
After doing this to myself, I would spend some time alone, hating myself and quietly thinking that this was the punishment I deserved. I thought if I punished myself, then God would not punish me. But in reality, what I did to myself only made me feel better for a short period of time. After a while, I would just feel bad all over again because I never felt that the punishment was enough and no matter what I did, I still did not feel it was enough to earn God’s love so that he would save me.
I know now that only God can save us from ourselves and no matter what we do or how hard we try, there is no way we can save ourselves on our own. But, for a long time, I felt no comfort in God because I was not taught about God’s love for me or God’s grace and mercy. I was only taught about the law and knew nothing about the good news of the Gospel, as I know it today. When you feel that you are unable to take refuge in God’s love, it can be a very scary and isolating experience.
I spent much of my life depending on people to validate my self-worth. I would rely on their words and opinions to make me feel good about myself rather than relying on the Word of God and God’s love. I learned the hard way that looking to, and depending solely on, the opinions of people, rather than trusting in God’s love for me and who I am in God’s heart, is an exhausting and unfulfilling experience. I have found that most human love is not always unconditional and may not always be as genuine as it might seem. But, God’s love is.
I still struggle with this sometimes, but reading my Bible and listening to God’s word when it is taught or preached to me, has helped me to know that God loves me. It does not matter what other people’s opinions or criticisms of me are, or even what their beliefs are, as long as I know who I am in God’s heart.
Over the past several years, I discovered that it is not a question of whether one deserves God’s love or not, because it is a gift freely given, unconditionally, to everyone. I am still learning that no matter what we have done in our past, or the mistakes that we continue to make, God never stops loving us. We are not perfect, we are just human, and no one is immune to mistakes, bad decisions or bad behavior. God knows we are not perfect. God made us. And even though God is not happy when we behave badly, or when we fail, God still loves us.
It is a relief for me to hear that there is nothing I have to do to earn God’s love or my salvation. I spent many years putting so much pressure on myself trying to be perfect, worrying about everything I did and said, because I thought I had to earn my ticket into heaven. This was a complete waste of time because Jesus already bought my ticket into heaven.
This realization has been the beginning of a new world for me. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to adjust my mind and my heart to this way of thinking and living in God’s love and grace. It is not something that can happen overnight, it takes time to begin to feel a sense of peace. I spent almost my entire life trying to find a way to God’s love so that I could secure my salvation. Well, you could imagine my surprise and relief when I realized that God’s love was with me all along, my whole life, the entire time, and I didn’t know it. I always had God’s love, and the gift of salvation was already mine. The Holy Spirit was living inside of me the whole time. I was searching for something that I already had.
When I finally came to terms with this reality, in a way I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She was always trying so hard to find her way home, when she already had the gift to get home all along. It was with her the whole time in the Ruby Slippers, but she didn’t know it until someone told her. Just like I had the gift of the Holy Spirit inside of me all along and I didn’t know it until God found a way to tell me. Now I don’t have to search for it anymore. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is right here.
As it says in Romans 8: 26-27,
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints (saints, meaning us as forgiven sinners) according to the will of God.
There are times when I struggle with the knowledge that God’s love is unconditional and a gift freely given that has always been there for me and for all of us. Opening my heart to understanding and accepting this is making a significant difference in the way I live my life and how I love and care for others. The biggest challenge for me has always been accepting that God loves us no matter what, even when there are times we feel the least loveable, God will never abandon us. So, why live with regret or guilt when there can be joy in accepting God’s love and mercy. Accepting this is changing my life and is helping me find a deeper relationship with Jesus. As long as I continue to keep my faith and trust in Christ, I know that I will be able to face any obstacle that comes my way.
We all know that life is not so easy at times, but it was not meant to be easy and Jesus himself never said it would be. We just have to remember that Jesus is with us every step of the way, just like he promised. And there is nothing that can separate us from Jesus’ love. As St. Paul
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
Amen!
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